I am not enough

       Our women's bible study started back last night, so I should have been prepared for the attack. I wasn't. From stomach troubles right before study began to a terrible nightmare about ruining a perfectly set cheesecake, the enemy was working. I woke up with such a wave of guilt and shame worse than any nausea, not from poor dream baking, but stupid things I did yesterday. Forgot to send a card, ate a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies (darn you tagalongs!), I didn't answer truthfully, and I had a very poorly packed diaper bag. These are just the ones I can remember and I know that more will float to the surface if I let it simmer. 

        I see the world around me- the Instagram posts of beautiful shots of people's kids eating kale all while not spilling their perfectly positioned coffee cup ( are they standing on the table?). I have had very few instances in life where I could take a picture of my kitchen table without making someone sick to their stomach by looking at what 3 years worth of yogurt and peanut butter messes does to wood. I know this is not the "real world", but as a society we live half online. Seeing these pictures and reading beautifully written prose are like being beaten with the shame stick. I hear the enemy say, "you are not enough and you never will be". I will never be enough. Never be thin or fit enough. Never have the right makeup. Never have enough time to bake. Never be featured in Instyle for my Target clearance rack fashion choices. Never have a clean house. Never keep up with my blog. And on and on and on. "I get it!" I scream, I know!
    Then the tense silence is broken by the sweetest voice I know- "these things are not what makes you enough, I AM".
     Why do I always forget my worthiness doesn't come from my ability to balance on a table and take a picture of my bible and coffee with perfect lighting all while my children play peacefully with all organic, American-made toys?
You get it, I am not enough, but I know the One who is, the One who makes me more than enough.
In Colossians 1 Paul is writing such a heartfelt letter to people he calls "God's faithful people". Oh, to be called that! He goes on to write that,
     "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." (Colossians 1:9-12).
      The magic words I read are "His glorious might", not "buck up girl, you need to be better".
I can't do it alone. You can try and try until you are blue in the face or having nightmares about cheesecake, but we can only live with the Lifegiver. We are QUALIFIED!
      So, this is me, not giving in to the shame and guilt, turning my eyes away from Instagram and onto the beautiful face of Jesus.
There is an old hymn that says
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace".
I have tears running down my unwashed face and relief in my heart that I am enough with Him.

Psalm 94:8-13 My Prayer

I have found that in these last couple of months my prayers are often quick and desperate. "Lord, please let Evie sleep!!"  "Father, help me not lose my cool."  "forgive me, forgive me , please forgive me."

These are the prayers that pass through my mind and lips like a broken record. With two small kids I barely have the time or brain capacity to create coherent thoughts. If it sounds like I'm exaggerating, trust me, I am not. I had to rescue a hot wheels car from a poopy toilet in the middle of writing this. 

 So, in these weeks of desperation I have turned to the Psalms. I need prayers and it seems that the words I need are there. Today, Psalm 94 gave me inspiration for this prayer. 

O LORD- 

You created me - my ears that hear the crying, demands, and laughing of little ones. I know You hear me.

You gave me eyes that see the tantrums, messes, and smiles of my babies. I know You see me. 

You made discipline- and are training me to discipline those in my care with unending love, mercy and justice, just as You do. 

You know how fleeting my life is, yet You choose to teach me Your ways. 

I am blessed because of Your discipline, because of your Word. 

You see my bad days and provide rest. 

Thank You Father. Amen. 

When the days are too much turn to the Lord, when the days are just right, praise Him! 

Love, Emily

Bible Journaling 101

For Christmas I received a beautiful journaling Bible from my husband! It was so exciting to get such a pretty and useful gift. I have struggled since I graduated college finding/making time to get into the Word daily. But, now with this Bible I can't wait to dive in! Bible journaling is a cool way to study scripture, because as you read, you also interact with the text by highlighting, taking notes or drawing. Several people have asked about my Bible. I got it off of Amazon but I believe they are back-ordered. I would encourage you to go to your local Christian bookstore! Here is the exact Bible I have- 
ESV single-column journaling Bible (Amazon)
This can also be done in a simple journal. I know many people feel uncomfortable writing or marking up their Bible so they journal in a notebook. That is awesome too!

As far as supplies go, most people have a stash of craft supplies in their house. You can raid that or your scrapbook supplies. If you don't hoard crafting supplies, first off, good for you!! Secondly, I've got you covered. I have a Bible Journaling Kit available in my Etsy shop. Bible Journaling Kit

This is a great way to get started! 

Now I will share a little bit about my process. I am trying to read through the Bible in a year, so I just pick up where I left off the day before. I'm following the plan in the back of my Bible. The plan has me read a chapter (or two) from the Old Testament, The Psalms, and New Testament. I read through the passage and highlight as I go. 

This is my highlighting chart. This helps me keep my highlighting under control and understand at a glance what the passage is about.

First I add my layer of washi tape or stickers. 

Then I put any decorative stickers.

I add my main idea.

Then secondary notes.

Then I add final touches, like coloring or extra stickers or stamps.

Most days I simply journal or take notes on the passages I've read. Here is a prayer note.

Another cool element to add is washi tape tabs. I just place a piece of washi tape in half on the edge of the page.

The most important thing about this whole process is that you are studying the Word. It does not matter how well you've decorated your page if you didn't understand what you read. Try focusing on the scripture as you journal and decorate. You'll be amazed at how much you remember at the end of the day! 

My prayer is that God's Word will be alive and active within you! If you have any questions or want to share some of the journaling you've done look me up on Instagram @ewdeeter or @mamahemsews or Facebook. 

There are also several great resources available for Bible Journaling:

Illustrated Faith

Pintrest - Bible Journaling

I'm praying for you as you crack open the Word. The Good Shepherd is faithful and will use His Word to teach, rebuke, correct and train you in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). 

love, Emily