Our women's bible study started back last night, so I should have been prepared for the attack. I wasn't. From stomach troubles right before study began to a terrible nightmare about ruining a perfectly set cheesecake, the enemy was working. I woke up with such a wave of guilt and shame worse than any nausea, not from poor dream baking, but stupid things I did yesterday. Forgot to send a card, ate a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies (darn you tagalongs!), I didn't answer truthfully, and I had a very poorly packed diaper bag. These are just the ones I can remember and I know that more will float to the surface if I let it simmer.
I see the world around me- the Instagram posts of beautiful shots of people's kids eating kale all while not spilling their perfectly positioned coffee cup ( are they standing on the table?). I have had very few instances in life where I could take a picture of my kitchen table without making someone sick to their stomach by looking at what 3 years worth of yogurt and peanut butter messes does to wood. I know this is not the "real world", but as a society we live half online. Seeing these pictures and reading beautifully written prose are like being beaten with the shame stick. I hear the enemy say, "you are not enough and you never will be". I will never be enough. Never be thin or fit enough. Never have the right makeup. Never have enough time to bake. Never be featured in Instyle for my Target clearance rack fashion choices. Never have a clean house. Never keep up with my blog. And on and on and on. "I get it!" I scream, I know!
Then the tense silence is broken by the sweetest voice I know- "these things are not what makes you enough, I AM".
Why do I always forget my worthiness doesn't come from my ability to balance on a table and take a picture of my bible and coffee with perfect lighting all while my children play peacefully with all organic, American-made toys?
You get it, I am not enough, but I know the One who is, the One who makes me more than enough.
In Colossians 1 Paul is writing such a heartfelt letter to people he calls "God's faithful people". Oh, to be called that! He goes on to write that,
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." (Colossians 1:9-12).
The magic words I read are "His glorious might", not "buck up girl, you need to be better".
I can't do it alone. You can try and try until you are blue in the face or having nightmares about cheesecake, but we can only live with the Lifegiver. We are QUALIFIED!
So, this is me, not giving in to the shame and guilt, turning my eyes away from Instagram and onto the beautiful face of Jesus.
There is an old hymn that says
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace".
I have tears running down my unwashed face and relief in my heart that I am enough with Him.
Then the tense silence is broken by the sweetest voice I know- "these things are not what makes you enough, I AM".
Why do I always forget my worthiness doesn't come from my ability to balance on a table and take a picture of my bible and coffee with perfect lighting all while my children play peacefully with all organic, American-made toys?
You get it, I am not enough, but I know the One who is, the One who makes me more than enough.
In Colossians 1 Paul is writing such a heartfelt letter to people he calls "God's faithful people". Oh, to be called that! He goes on to write that,
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." (Colossians 1:9-12).
The magic words I read are "His glorious might", not "buck up girl, you need to be better".
I can't do it alone. You can try and try until you are blue in the face or having nightmares about cheesecake, but we can only live with the Lifegiver. We are QUALIFIED!
So, this is me, not giving in to the shame and guilt, turning my eyes away from Instagram and onto the beautiful face of Jesus.
There is an old hymn that says
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace".
I have tears running down my unwashed face and relief in my heart that I am enough with Him.
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